Do you ever feel this way?

[spacefille]

I was in the washroom just now and an old song I used to listen to called "Winds of Change" by Scorpions came on the radio. It took me back to me taking the C-Train home from work (in Calgary) a couple days or weeks after 9/11... and the memory was so vivid that I briefly thought maybe it'd be nice to be back there, 20 yrs old again... incidentally to a moment in time where I was thinking it'd be nice to go back (before September 11th...) (So it was a double time memory!!! :D )

And this *overwhelming* sense of being trapped came over me. It happens every time I think about going back and changing the past and living any part of my life over. I never EVER want to go back... the thought of having to redo and repeat life is just soooo draining. If I redid life at that time I'd have changed my entire future because the thought of, say, doing University again is bloody tedious. I'd never meet most of my friends. I'd never have that sense of security and kinsman ship. I'd never have gotten drunk for the first time... but I might have just drowned myself in the river just from sheer desperation of getting out of having to repeat what I've already done.

I'd have to listen to "In the End" by Linkin Park on the radio on constant repeat for that entire summer it was a huge hit. URGH.

So my question is, do you find the thought of repeating any part of life something that gives you a sense of repulsion?

Comments

[head-voices-xd.livejournal.com]

I have that thought a lot. I try to keep myself from doing it, as all the good that has come in my life would be hard to find again, even if I got rid of all the bad.

But it's hard. The baddest of the bad are just memories, now, but I wish they had never happened. Though they define who I am.

I try to tell myself 'Well you can't change the past'. Otherwise I will think about it for hours.