Do you ever feel this way?

[spacefille]

I was in the washroom just now and an old song I used to listen to called "Winds of Change" by Scorpions came on the radio. It took me back to me taking the C-Train home from work (in Calgary) a couple days or weeks after 9/11... and the memory was so vivid that I briefly thought maybe it'd be nice to be back there, 20 yrs old again... incidentally to a moment in time where I was thinking it'd be nice to go back (before September 11th...) (So it was a double time memory!!! :D )

And this *overwhelming* sense of being trapped came over me. It happens every time I think about going back and changing the past and living any part of my life over. I never EVER want to go back... the thought of having to redo and repeat life is just soooo draining. If I redid life at that time I'd have changed my entire future because the thought of, say, doing University again is bloody tedious. I'd never meet most of my friends. I'd never have that sense of security and kinsman ship. I'd never have gotten drunk for the first time... but I might have just drowned myself in the river just from sheer desperation of getting out of having to repeat what I've already done.

I'd have to listen to "In the End" by Linkin Park on the radio on constant repeat for that entire summer it was a huge hit. URGH.

So my question is, do you find the thought of repeating any part of life something that gives you a sense of repulsion?

Comments

[bunnynumber13.livejournal.com]

I find the thought pointless. Whenever I go doing the 'what if' thing, I immediately tell this to me myself: Well you couldn't have known the future and that's why the past is the way it is, because if you could change things, ergo, there wouldn't be anything to change if you knew then what you know now! I don't want to repeat anything, it would imply I thought I could do better and while I'm not proud of everything I've done, I'd sooner experience the future. It's the not knowing what comes next that's the fun part.

[head-voices-xd.livejournal.com]

I have that thought a lot. I try to keep myself from doing it, as all the good that has come in my life would be hard to find again, even if I got rid of all the bad.

But it's hard. The baddest of the bad are just memories, now, but I wish they had never happened. Though they define who I am.

I try to tell myself 'Well you can't change the past'. Otherwise I will think about it for hours.

[girlguitarist.livejournal.com]

Not so much specifically reliving something, but the thought of going to university again antagonizes me. I love learning new things but I just can't go through that ever again!!

On the contrary, I do sort wish I could redo certain parts with my current personality. Then I really wouldn't give a crap about high school haha :) Although, if given the choice right now to relive high school I definitely wouldn't...

[lies-d.livejournal.com]

Hells yeah, I would never want to go back to my 20's. I had some good times but mostly it was a lot of flailing around trying to find my place in the world. Lots of hard work and painful failures. My life isn't perfect now but I'm happier.

If I could go back to high school for a week or two I *would* do that. I was so silly and hopeful - I had no idea how hard life was going to be! Good times.

[ravenshaelo.livejournal.com]

While the thought does not fill me with revulsion, I can't help but dislike myself sometimes for some of the choices I've made. But that being said, what is done cannot be undone (or redone!), and I'll live with it.